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This is all surely an ongoing huge enigma for me as is everything about Narcisa.There are deep esoteric occult sciences I’ve always had an attraction to, but very little understanding of, since the time of my childhood. Narcisa has delved deeply into the secret sciences since her childhood and I know that somewhere behind those intense bugged-out eyes there’s a vast universe of hidden wisdom and knowledge of things way beyond my ability to comprehend. And most likely way beyond hers too- and that more than anything else is what’s driven her slowly insane, the fact that she knows there’s something terribly wrong with this world and this reality as it’s force-fed to us by the “status quo”.It must be terribly frustrating for her to possess such advanced knowlege and be unable to find the slightest earthly application for it and that’s probably the main reason she wants out of here and wants to go back to Alpha Centauri where things would probably make a lot more sense to her…The thing that makes it so difficult for us to get along is mainly the fact that, because of great suffering, I’ve been set on a path that requires me to seek the truth and the light, while Narcisa seems to try and do everything in her power to avoid the very things I am obliged to seek. But it’s the avoidence of someone who already possesses great knowledge and, for whatever reasons, wishes they didn’t. I think I can relate to that, being that I spent two years between the age of twelve and fourteen dropping LSD an average of three times a week until I was so confused by the nature of reality and the esoteric knowledge I was exposed to, much too advanced for my young inexperienced mind to assimilate, that at the age of fourteen I simply stopped taking all “mind expanding” drugs and rushed headlong into hard drug addiction in a desperate attempt to reverse the overdose of knowledge and vision I’d opened myself up to.Now I’m seeing it and remembering and even reliving it through Narcisa and suddenly it seems quite clear that she’s simply trying to protect herself from the percieved threat of spiritual things.

That’s why its so easy for her to submerge her mind and body into such depths of drug addiction and then the one time she finally gave herself any chance to recover, it was just as natural to her fearful nature to immerse herself in the simplistic, childish and stupid pie-in-the-sky doctrines of Fundamentalist Christianity- at least until the day her soul cried out in rage at the insane hypocracy and dogmatic bullshit of that primitive Evangelical kindergarten worldview and she just went back to the crack pipe rather than seek any real lasting recovery where she’d have to delve deep into her polluted psyche where all the problems seemed to have started in the first place.

Fuck that, too scary and risky, better to just seek oblivion or insanity, anything rather than risk having to look too closely at the issues that had sent her into this whirlpool of self immolation in the first place…So round and round she goes like a kitten chasing its tail away down the rabbit hole, the bottomless pit that ain’t got no bottom…But that doesn’t offer any peace of mind to either of us today and it’s just come to the point where we simply exist on this totally nonverbal level of primal basic animal communication where the only real dialogue between us is fucking or riding to and from the spot on the motorcycle.  We don’t fight nearly as much lately as we have in the past, but I don’t know if that’s even a good thing or not anymore…We just sort of live on this foggy surreal spinning ride and we got no idea where it’s taking us. I know I could do better and I really doubt she could do better than me… So sometimes it feels like I’m really getting the shit end of the stick here but what can I do? We’ve wound up here together somehow in this bizarre relationship we both hate and are both powerless to break away from. There’s this brutal sexual energy that keeps us bound together like we’re on a fucking chain gang and I’m thinking where will this end?As many times a day as she wants to go cop, that’s how many times a day I am able to fuck her and cling to her dying body like a jackal feeding on an antelope but who’s feeding on who at the end of the day?

Today’s been four times and that’s on the heels of a thirty-six-hour lights-out blackout where I fucked her six times in her sleep and she wound up sleeping and I didn’t. No wonder I feel like some vampire has slipped into my bloodstream and is eating my life force away from the inside… And nothing seems to stop my boundless compulsion for her - nothing but the most absurd behavior or the foulest degradation can tear me away from her. Tonight at the end of her last run she came up to me all sweet and tender and she’d put on her mini skirt and the cute little purple farmer’s daughter purple blouse I’d bought her in Buenos Aires, just to get my attention- she knows exactly how to reel me in every time, well almost cause when she wakes me out of a sound sleep before noon I want to fucking slaughter her, but for now it’s still early and my dick is still responsive to her seductions and I still feel like the luckiest man alive or half alive, whatever ya wanna call It. I don’t call it anything anymore. I’m too tired.So here she comes slithering up beside me all cute and sexy and seductive, the cosmic Lolita waif in her skimpy mini skirt and her knobby knees and pretty bottomless flashing acid eyes and pink baby doll lips and I go to kiss her and it hits me like a graveyard sucker punch and I tell her “Baby Jesus, when’s the last time you brushed your teeth man? Your mouth smells like an open grave!” But she just keeps kissing me and rubbing up against me like a cat in heat and I know she wants drugs needs drugs.But something strange has happened and these days she’s really horny, really wants the dick just as bad as she wants the drugs and I can feel it, you just know when there’s a change like that going on, especially when you’ve fucked somebody the thousands of times I’ve fucked Narcisa. This morning it was different when she woke up out of the depths of her crash-out, then she really didn’t want to fuck at all, just wanted to get it over with and go get high and she even tried to talk me out of it with a shifty shit-eating grin on her sweet face, telling me she knew I’d fucked her in her sleep and I said I’d only tried and she kept waking up and pushing me off and she looked at me and called me a liar but I stuck to my guns and she had no way of proving it cause she’d been incoherent. Shit, I could’ve let a pitbull fuck her in the ass for all she knew and the truth is we were both lying and both telling the truth a little but she backed down cause she was in a pretty good mood for Narcisa in the morning and she knew she was in for it anyway so she just laid back on the sofa and spread her angel legs and said “So hurry up Cigano and be fast! I gotta defacate and if you taking too long I gonna sheet all over you, got it?”And I thought that would be a new one, even for me and Narcisa, but I didn’t like the image. I fucked her as fast and listlessly as she got fucked and that was it but she was happy and she still got paid a big 40 and I didn’t mind, taking into account the six times I’d fucked her or fondled her beloved bony ass as she slept and snored. So I didn’t really mind fucking her quick and giving her the 40 and just the idea of being rid of her for a few hours was nice and I could go back to sleep and pretend to be living a sane and normal existence so it was all good.But now, later into the day, further into her crack run it was a whole different deal, now the sex is real raw and desperate on her part and on mine too cause we just feed back and forth like that so I really don’t mind keeping going today till my dick falls off and I go home again and take a nap while she goes off to cook her brains some more and I fall asleep and dream of me and Narcisa in New York and I really regret not having spent more time with her when she was there and I even remember that last summer I spent in NYC before moving back to Brazil for good.I’d had a little heroin addict punk rock junkie named ‘Chaos’ at least that’s what the tattoo across her chest said and I’d fucked her at least twice a day and she was young and beautiful and horny and great, but now I think I could’ve been with Narcisa that whole time and it’s just one of those little regrets you can’t do aything about anyway. I dont even know why that keeps coming into my mind. I should know better, know that things all happen when they’re supposed to just like me and Narcisa are happening now.But anyway, I had this dream where we were in NYC together and she takes me to the place where she lived with her magic Jewish gringo and we go to sneak in so she can show me a part of her story and she still has her key and I tell her he probably changed the locks and she just laughs and sure enough her key opens the door but as soon as we get in I see there’s people in there so we beat it the fuck out and when we get downstairs and get on the bike I hear all these catcalls and wolf whistles and I look back and Narcisa’s climbing on the back of the bike but she’s lost her panties like a little girl and her skirt is all coming undone and there’s a school bus and a garbage truck and all the schoolboys and garbagemen are having a great time ogling her bare white ass and she gets off the back of the bike to fix her skirt and it just falls off and she’s standing there naked and stumbling around like a drunk trying to pull her skirt up.Now here comes this big tall black garbageman saying “Whoooeee, now I gonna get me soma dat nice white meat chicken” and as he moves toward Narcisa, I pull the ballpeen hammer out of my back pocket, the everpresent ballpeen I used to always carry back in the day in NYC when I ran with Hells Angels and carrying a ballpeen in your back pocket was as natural as carrying a comb or something.Anyway, I pull out the ballpeen and hold it in my right hand and I walk right up to this big guy and say “That white meat chicken got an owner, dog. If you wanna tear off a piece of that shit you gotta go through me and the price for ten minutes is a five oh… You got that kinda cake, garbageman or do you wanna argue?”As I brandished that bad old ballpeen, I guess he could sense I’d just as soon crack his garbageman skull as stand there looking at him and he split.I woke up thinking of the dream as I got dressed to go looking for Narcisa again calculating that it was about time for the end of her run and time for another desperate crack-fueled lust-fest and as I rode off down the street on my way up to the Casa Verde, I remembered something she’d told me the other day, she’d said:”I get fucked more times in one week with you Cigano then in a year and a half the marry with the gringo half your age. Fala serio, man - I never seen the man so sick to fuck all day like you, an’ that’s after being a whore all the year in Copacabana and having the date with all kind of the mans. Shit, before I am 15 year old I been in every one the best hotel in Rio De Janeiro from Sheraton to Copacabana Palace president suite and all the big penthouse in Ipanema to turn the trick for the big money 300 dollars a fuck and now I only e’stay with you for so little money and I don’ even care, cause you take care for me like nobody ever do before and you still fuck all day and night and never tired…

Well what can I say to that? Its true and when you have such a strong attraction to someone as I got to Narcisa you really never get tired , well almost never…But now its four in the morning and I’ve been fucking her every four hours asleep and awake for the last three days now and I am so fucking destroyed it feels like every cell of my sleep-deprived fucked-out existence just went ten rounds with Mike Tyson on crack and acid then got fucked up the ass by the crack monster like Mary’s little lamb before being made into little lamb stew, crack pellets and smoked up and farted out her fine defecating ass.And now I’m thinking what the fuck am I gonna do? because it’s that horrible witching hour in Rio De Janeiro for me and Narcisa, between 4 am and noon when all I want to do is sleep and of course she just wants to keep going and there is terrible conflict in our respective agendas of priority that has ended up in violent conflict in the past and I’m too goddamned tired to go to fist city with her. I’d rather just throw her a mercy 20, without a fuck, just to get rid of her and get some sleep but even that won’t do cause she’ll just come back when she runs out to extort more money for more crack and it’s times like this I wish I had some secret hiding place where she can’t find me at seven in the morning.I truly wonder if it’s all worth it and if, someday, she will reemerge from the ashtray that is her unholy empire to rise up like a magnificent phoenix reborn from her ashes and fly fly away back to Alpha Centauri or wherever the fuck she’s from.Narcisa has lost all control now…  Copyright Jonathan Shaw 2008. All Rights Reserved.NOTIFIÇAO: Os eventos neste site são contos de ficção - registrados na Biblioteca Nacional com todos os direitos autorais revertidos ao autor, Jonathan Shaw. Os personagens mencionados são interamente ficticios. Certos eventos, personagens, lugares e relatos foram baseados em fatos reais, porém qualquer semelhança a qualquer pessoa vivo ou morta se trata de pura coincidência.As vários fotografias apresentadas se encontram com o rosto distorcido para preservar o anonimato das modelos que representam personagens fictícios.