CRACKBERRY
So, now the time has come… Jonathan has finally begun a whole new marathon rewrite of “Narcisa - Our Lady of Ashes“.
This time he’s working hand in hand with a seasoned book editor for a major literary agency - a real step up from a few weeks proof-reading the first edition’s funky first draft text with me, sitting in coffee houses and all-nite greasy-spoons around Silverlake, Echo Park and Hollyweird.
Our original editing system was always pretty haphazard and unconventional, to say the least….
But now…..
with daily blog posts, and this whole website shit up and running, and Jonathan long gone, back home in Brazil with his crazy crackhead, Narcisa, it’s all swiftly plummeted south to the next level of wierdness, coming together, a day at a time, mostly through tidbits and scraps of random emails, peppered with numbered headings, sometimes in strange heiroglyphic text but ALWAYS broken off in the middle by that familiar tagline.
“Sent Via Blackberry T-Mobile”.
That’s right kids, he now writes and edits all of his blog entries on a friggin’ blackberry.
BUT. WAIT.
The jig doesn’t stop there…
This is a 360 some odd page novel he’s re-working down there.
And, get this: Jonathan has proceeded to begin the whole fucking rewrite on his little pocket sized Crackberry too!!
RE-WRITE. AS IN, he’s re-writing… a book. On a Blackberry. I’m not joking. Or laughing. Well maybe a little.
Sitting on a motorcycle in the middle of the jungle, dodging automatic weapon fire up in some shanty town drug war favela, sitting on some rodent-infested rock by the beach or whatever whorehouse he’s sitting (or laying up) in right now…
Whatever the fuck he does that no one will ever really know…
Typing. On the Blackberry.
The following recent email exchange between us should give you some idea where my head’s been at today…
And as a pre-req, please envision the grimace on his Hollywood-bound assistant’s (that would be yours truly) pretty little face while I sit at my desk, running the whole official shit show from my office at the Crow’s nest overlooking the glittering lights of Babylon and the smog of the apocalypse.
I wrote this email to Jonathan a full FIVE times before sending it, searching for the right words to express my absolute outrage at his working methods…
At first it was a very angry email, I chastised him mercilessly for being an inconsiderate, unprincipaled caveman of an ignorant old Ludite prick with no decent sense of respect for modern communication systems or basic technology. But then I realized… how the fuck could anybody really get pissed off at such a spectacular display of savage insanity? Some might even call it genius…. I call it atavistic genius (something like a cross between Asberger’s and Bukowski logic).
- Alessandra
Here goes:
From: SAILOR
Subject: Blackberry endorsements and Lasek surgery
Date: June 13, 2008 4:14:52 PM PDT
To: JS
Captain-
Has that bitch got you smoking crack now? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!! Shit’s cut off, nothing’s in the right order, I cant even believe you’re just merrily going about your business down there in the jungles of Hell, attempting a MAJOR rewrite on a 360 page book from your fucking Blackberry… as if that is something even remotely acceptable or normal.
Only you, you pirate-minded mentally insane psychopathic whore-fucking douchebag sniveling demented freak.
I have to wonder… How did I get so graced by the hand of such a technologically impaired innovator?
I fucking love you.
This will definitely go down in literary history…
Take the following, for example…
“So Jonathan, how did you become blind?”
” Well I was writing this novel on my blackberry and…”
From: JS
Subject: Re: Blackberry endorsements and Lasek surgery
Date: June 13, 2008 7:28:51 PM PDT
To: SAILOR
Little Sailor. You’re lucky I like you for being so hilariously… Retarded.
This aint exactly fuckin’ Starbucks here, darlin’!
I know you mean well, ya little suburban white trash SUV-driving, attorney-blowing hosebag amateur hooker… but it’s not like ya can just whip out the old laptop and start getting all artsy-fartsy here in the fucking vermin-infested crack ghettos of Rio, ya know…
I love you too. You are truly my other wacko muse, ya sniveling little cunt!!!
Btw, go ahead and put that ‘how’d you go blind?’ question into that big collective interview you’re supposedly preparing for me, whenever the time comes…
By the time you get it all together with all yer big shot Bel-air celebrity ass-sucking pals, maybe I’ll be deaf and dumb too.
And that could be a real fucking blessing, the way things are going loonie-toons around here lately, believe me!
Gotta go go go go goooo!!!
“Hasta la vitoria, siempre!”
Xx js
Sent Via Blackberry T-Mobile
WHAT A COMPLICIT BOND WE HAVE. Goodnight boys and girls.
